Have you ever noticed how :
(a) You inevitably forget to mute your cell phone when you visit the poop can in the office ? and
(b) You inevitably get a call from your Boss when you are "delivering" the "goods" ?
Every time my phone goes into the MJ mode (my ring tone now is a tribute to MJ - The last un-earthly laugh in the Thriller song) in the confines of the 3 ft x 4 ft cubicle, I know it's gotta be my Boss. That guy has an uncanny ability to po(o)p up in my life in the most un-opportune of moments.
This is how the conversation goes most of the time :
B: Update me on the status Sam ? (he just is NOT able to pronounce my name right)
Me : Well, work is on, 2 modules delivered. One more 'on the way' (this I mention after I peep through the tiny aperture between my opulent tummy and the rim of the throne and observe 2 tiny crocodiles underneath the water and bubbling and one more in 'suspended animation' stage)
B : So what is the issue ? Why has it not been done by now ?
Me : Well .. Time was a constraint.
B : Do you need more resources to give you a helping hand ?
Me : No no. Thanks for the help though (Huh ! 'Helping Hand' .. what a joke. As if they would 'pull' things out)
B : You don't seem very conversational this morning ..
Me : Who ? Me ? Of course not. I am good. (With a grimace, as I try to 'push' the W-I-P version out, and end up emitting a noise).
B : Hey ! What was that noise ? You again watching the re-runs of the Wimbledon on YouTube in office hours ? I could hear Steffi Graph grunting with the serve.
Me : Huh ? Oh no NO !
B : Something is really wrong .. You ok maaiite ?
Me : Yeah, yeah, am ok. (I feel like screaming 'No I am NOT and I want to tear off your brown beard for not letting me poop in peace’).
B : Aaaaah .. now I know what's eatin’ ya .. must be the wifey .. Yeah, yeah I know how painful they can be .. remember, I was married thrice.
Me : Uuumm .. no no, that's not the issue. Am good. Am good (Maaaiiite, just GO !!!! I am blissfully married. Not like you)
B : Hey, why don't we meet up this weekend for a beer or two @ Clarke Quay ?
Me : Yup, sure. (No !!! I don't want to have another session of listening to your escapades in Thailand)
B : So, any more updates ?
Me : Well .. one more just 'delivered'. (Now there are 3 floating around)
B : Good. Listen, you MUST let me know when the whole thing finishes. Talk to ya later
Me : Sure (Trust me, you don't want to know)
I end the call. Wipe and flush. As I stand in front of the mirror and count the number of grey hairs on my side burns (the wife has been pestering for quite some time now that I start dying my hair), I find a very familiar voice nearby "Honey, sorry, I was on the phone with Sam .. that bugger needs to be chased now and then .. .. What ? Oh WOW !!! .. So your hubby is out of town, is it ? … Then why don’t I pack some dinner and come down at 10 ? You still do have my toothbrush at your place, right ?"
I shockingly stare at the locked poop cubicle .. 2 counters away from the one where I had been moments ago. I can see the tip of the brown shoes protruding out nearly out of the door.
Bugger ? Bugger me ? Huh ???
Bugger YOU !!!!
*******
PS :
- Ronjha-Moyee, is this a perfect example of OCD ?
- Inspired by a conversation in the next poop cubicle today morning. The bloke was talking to his wife and taking down the grocery list for shopping on the way back home.
hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...............this was one of the shiitiest( in the literal sence of the term) i have read with an amazing dollop of humour...its been a long time since i read a blog which made me laugh and feel good having normal people around me...i cant write much to save my life..but i feel like writing a blog on this blog because its so trivial and so soooo funny...as Sculz says humour does not lie in happy things..humour lies in things which are sad or even tragic...not having PIP is one of them for sure...blog on dear man...
ReplyDeleteahem..was that your friend who took down the grocery list..or you yourself :D..
ReplyDeletehilarious article!
@ Manisha : Verrrry funnny (Grrrr !)
ReplyDeletedisturbing humour at its best...
ReplyDeleteI'm scarred man... so vivid... "suspended animation mode" a situation everyone experiences especially during constipation...
"2 girls 1 cup.... hmm....."
whahahaha~~
Miss u man!
Questions:
ReplyDeleteWhy on earth do you poop so regularly in office? I can understand an occasional emergency...but by the sound of it, the poop cubicle seems like a regular hang-out. Saving toilet paper at home? :)
Or do you work for a company that has taken Intellectual Property to a new height. Did they make you sign a contract that they own ALL "output" from the employee?
Comments:
Dunno about OCD, but sure sounds like IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome...or was is Irritable Boss Syndrome?).
Btw, don't kill me for saying this; it is a poor joke, I know. Just thought of your new blog description: "Some thoughts. Some reflections. Mostly unchained excretions."
Please don't kill me :)
With this post you have paid the ultimate tribute to blogosphere. As they say, a blog should be "dumping ground" of everything that is happening "within". Great post, really :)
hahahahihihihihiihohohhho!!!
ReplyDelete'suspended animation..oh my god! am still rolling On the Floor, laughing...
Man!..whatta vivid description..hahahahaa!!!
It's been a long time since I read a blog which made me laugh soooo much, trust me, bro..
Guess, We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable..what say?..:-P
@Scribbler :
ReplyDelete(a) Yes, most of our ‘outputs’ are used by the firm. That’s why you would find most consulting organisations dole out “shitty” stuff .. and you would find that the ‘shittiness’ is repetitive in nature. That so, coz the mantra of any consultancy is “re-usable, re-workable solutioning’. So there :-)
(b) Yes, the poop can is actually my most favorite place. That’s the only darned place where I can sit (or squat, depending on which one is free) and gleefully dig my nose to my heart’s content, scrutiny the ‘output’ and ‘paste’ it (stash it, like a dog hiding the bone) somewhere on the wall, so as to ‘re-visit’ (remember, consulting organization ?) it later on in the day :-)
Anally fixated Bugger!
ReplyDeleteYou no OCD... just a dirty filthy being!
Haw haw haw haw!!! This is hilarious! Suspended animation... how did u even come up with it!!!!!!
ReplyDelete@ Ronjha-Moyee .. amaka DFB bolli ? Daara ! Tor hochhe !!
ReplyDelete@ Saro … “suspended animation” er shuutro ta actually onno ekta jaaygaaay. One fine day, quite a few many years ago, in an inebriated state sitting inside a bath tub, I had ‘discovered’ something, which to be honest merited a cry akin to Archimedes “Eureka” .. but then I refrained. Shei suspended animation er goppo ekhaane bola jaabe na .. unfortunately
"High performance delivered",Dada...simply brilliant...hahahahahaa!!!
ReplyDelete@ Dips - Haha ! This was too good "High Performance Delivered" .. Oh Boy !! On an otherwise gloomy midnight in office, days away from Go Live, your comment has made me yell out with laughter !!! .. Too good ! :-)
ReplyDeleteShotti, shit'e binoshto shanti! Amake to majhe moddhei dourote hoy poopcan'e....ar tokhoni...tokhoni, mane amio jokhon suspended animation'ta mone prane enjoy korchhi...dorjay koraghat! aro kono ekjoner thhik shei muhurtei kumir dorshoner proyojon hoye pore....
ReplyDeletesuch a goo(d) post, this! I cringed at most points. didn;t want to imagne but had to. really madmax, why would u want your readers to imagine you on a pot?
ReplyDeleteawfully hilarious though :D